Dear Audrey,
Here is your single's love horoscope
for Thursday, August 30:

So maybe it's not a love connection, but the stars are sending a platonic possibility your way that could be pretty wonderful -- if you take it on its own terms. Less specific expectations equals more potential!

---

Hmmm. hmmm. hmmm. hmmm. this is so less specific until no specs can.

For the first time in my 26 years of existance, i actually considered ending my life. As i was telling Nizam, I felt totally worthless and useless. The notion was really strong. When I entered the house, I was thinking i have alcohol and dubious amount of various medications. Luckily, Q was online and we chatted and then we decided to have a middle of the night rendezvous which really helped. But as I was chatting, I was also penning an email to Al.

Here's the story I wrote in the email:

The Fisherman and the Fish

The Fisherman was about to call it a day when his fishing pole signal the fall of another victim. With great effort he managed to rein the fish in. It was a big and pretty fish. Seeing as how the fish is such a beautiful fish, the fisherman actually hesitated and thought of putting it back into the sea. But the size of the fish would mean that he could sell it for quite a hefty sum. He debated a long time with himself and then with his crew. While all the arguments are put forth, both for and against the release of the fish, the fish is slowly dying. As she looked at the scene in front of her unfolding, she couldn't help but hope they would make a decision soon. If she had to suffer, she would rather just end it quick once and for all. But the humans seemed content to argue it longer. If they were waiting for her to die so that they don't have to make the tough decision of whether to keep or not to keep, she would rather have them take a hammer to her head right there and then and end it.

The fisherman finally decided that he would release her back into the sea. So they hauled the fish to the edge of the ship and let it slip off into the sea again. What they didn't notice was that the hook was still attached to the fish. After a while, the fisherman realised that the fishing pole was again signalling another catch. After checking, he saw that it was the same fish again. Again, he was debating whether he should keep it or not. It will seem like it's god's will that he should have the fish.

The fish just couldn't believe this is happening again. the tugging and pulling had caused many injuries that were not noticeable to the naked eye. So many times she has been put through this. So many times she wished she had the ability to voice out her wishes that the fishermen either let her live or cut off the line and let her go back to the sea.

---

The rest of the email deal with me asking him to cut the line, say the magic words ( "I don't love you") even if he doesn't mean it, just don't ever tell me. Just cut and let me go. Don't be in a state of indecision, pulling close yet pushing at the same time. It was an emotional night last night. really.

Al told me a story just now. It is about the scorpion and the frog. He said it is a story about himself so I asked if he were the scorpion or the frog. He said scorpion. So this is how the story goes...

Once upon a time, a scorpion was at the river bank. He saw a frog on a lily pad and asked the frog to help him cross the river. The frog refused initially, because he was sure that the scorpion will sting him. But the scorpion said if he stung the frog, he would die from drowning. So the frog piggy-backed him and swam towards the other side of the river. The scorpion, true to his nature, stung the frog. When the frog asked him why he did that for, the scorpion replied:

"It's in my nature."

---

So what am I supposed to infer from this story? That I shouldn't get myself involved. That he can't help but kill both parties. I should be a smart frog and swim away the moment I see the scorpion right? My solution is: Give him the god damned lily pad. And pushed the lily pad. Help at a distance. Love from a distance. There's always beauty in distance. Ugliness only appear when you see something up close. He would give in to his nature and hurt both parties. Both parties die in the end. Is that the kind of association?

Whatever.

---

Me: Don't worry. I won't become another frog. I would have asked you to take the lily pad and i'd give you a push across. And don't forget if you sting you would have died as well.

Him: Tts the whole idea. It's my nature, even if it costs me my life.

Me: Whatever it is, everyone loses in that situation. My question is then are you sure you're the scorpion?

Him: Without a shadow of a doubt

Me: Alright then. So I shouldn't touch even right? That's what you are trying to say right? Then I won't.

Him: I dun mean tt. Just telling u who I am

Me: Nvm. I will interpret it the way i want. Maybe it will be easier too. The frog shouldn't even engage the scorpion in the conversation in the first place. She should have ran at the sight of him.

---

I will NOT become one of those girls who pester you with 10 missed calls a day. I get the hints. I will leave you alone now. Don't come trifle with me. Please.

I might not think straight and just decide to do a Juliet.

Though I was down with the viral flu last week, I didn't have that bad a week. Yes. I have been averaging a MC a week, but to me, that's a way of surviving. I admitted to Di that at the end of the 8th week, I actually contemplated seeing a psychologist. Because I really feel inefficient and totally lousy. I feel like I'm such a bad teacher. In retrospect, maybe I really should have stayed for another half a year at the previous one. But then, I was getting tired there too. But the students there kept me going. So yeah.. maybe there really isn't a place where i can get both good colleagues and students that keep me sane and reassure my position as a teacher. sigh.

BUT all that aside, I believe I had a real good weekend. Starting from Friday actually. Though I have to stay late for CCA (which might not be my CCA in the end), Al gave me a surprise when he came by to pick me up from school. We were talking on the phone and he mentioned he was going to AMK to meet with a client. I packed and was on my way home. When I saw the bus, I actually said aloud whether i should run after the bus. That was when he said he was already turning into Jalan Kayu. It was a surprise. He asked me if I liked it. My reply: It was sweet. Really. I think I glowed with glee. It was just such a nice gesture. It was on the pretext of going to meet a client that he decided to come pick me. But it was revealed in our morning conversation that he wasn't going to meet a client. He just decided to come pick me up before going to town. Of course I was like, "you could have sent me to town since you were going there." His reply was he wanted me to get a decent meal and go back home early to rest instead of loitering in town. It's sweet no? *cheshire cat smile*

Then on Saturday, we discovered another piece of heaven. Sentosa, cafe del mar, tanning. good company and alcohol. heehee.. best! The weather was so perfect! it was as if God wanted us to have a real good time in the sun. It went by too quickly in my opinion. I just wanted the weekend to repeat itself over and over again. Starting from the moment that I found out about my surprise pick-up. :)

Ok. Now I just have to finish this week then I have the whole week to go do what I wanna do. Happy. Happy. Happy. Then back to the grind again. bah. :-

Why can't they get everything in order first before organising for the training? I could do a whole lot of other things with the 3 hours. Of course you must be wondering why am I blogging instead of listening. Well, I'm doing that because I DON'T HAVE ACCESS TO THE BLOODY PORTAL!!!! That make me feel damn good lor. Thanks. Gee.

My stomach is churning and turning. It's still in the diarrhea state. sigh.

I need a happy pill.
To chase away my sadness

I need a efficiency pill.
So that I can achieve more in my classes.

I need a control pill.
So that I can have better control of my emotions.

I need a bochup pill.
So that I will not get hurt when I'm not appreciated for my efforts.

I need a health pill.
So that I will be healthy both mentally and physically.

I need a numbing pill.
To numb myself against the pain that I might inflict upon myself just for caring

I just need a pill. An all-purpose pill that will cure me of all the poison in my life.

---

Yesterday was a thoroughly bad day. First I wasn't feeling well. Then I broke down after my class. After that i had three more lessons which i had to control my emotions. I compensate by eating a really good meal. Then it was CCA time. After which I received news that the weekend i have been looking forward to the whole week isn't going to happen. It was really bad in general really.

But something good did come out of it. Me and A had the "are we in love" conversation. Long overdue really. But well. Yeah. for the first time in my entire life, i actually admitted that I love someone over the phone. without heart palpitations no less. I feel brave just saying it. hahahaha. But yea. It's a start. Where it will lead to, no one knows for sure. But at least now it's in the open. Not cleared up but it's in the open definitely. I feel good having said it. So how things work out, I don't know. But i was honest to my heart for once. so that's good enough for me. This one event did make the day better. a whole lot better really.

Yes. I'm a romantic. But I'm beginning to think I'd be a damned romantic. Meaning none of my romantic fantasies will EVER come true. I think my cats have a better shot at romantic than me. At the very least, they have each other and they are real sweet to each other without hurting the other party. I have reached a point that the sweeter someone is to me, it makes me more miserable. Now is that sad or what?

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Tomorrow marks the start of the new time-table. I have ideas and I want to go in with a zest and do all the funky things. But before I can do that, I have to set the tone of the class. Half of them are used to me. The other half thinks i'm a warden from hell. heehee! :p it tickles me really. But I reward and punish accordingly. That's what they are going to learn. I think instead of me coming up with all the rules, i shall present them with scenarios and get them to think of the right punishment. I have to start with the basics with them. Hopefully by the end of this term, i would have gotten to write reasonably well. Right now, i'm more focused on my form class because they have to handle the greatest change. the other classes are merely logistical in the changes. Focus for both my english classes would be writing. Starting with how to write basic sentences and moving away from the cliche opening. Oh well. I have learnt that here, I can dream, make plans, but they will not always go the way I intended my plans to go. sigh. See, even at work, i can't be a romantic. gee.

I was having dinner and dessert with Y and M last night and we were talking about, as usual, school, students, work, etc. Just as I was comparing the students between ADSS and current school, M said, maybe I should stop doing the comparison. It's killing me. I can understand her point of view. I shouldn't use my past experiences as a basis for comparison and let it colour the way i teach or kill my passion for the job. But honestly, that 6-7 mths were the best days of my teaching life. I was really teaching. Here, i'm merely standing in a class and talking. In fact, I realised that I minimised the talk time alot already. It seems like I don't even want to make an effort in communicating. I knew I wanted to be a teacher or reaffirm my beliefs when I was teaching in ADSS. So it's very dificult to just erase the whole episode and not use it as point of reference. We all have moments in the classroom where we go, "Yes! I am a teacher. I am teaching the kids something of value." I don't have that moment yet in this school. I feel inefficient and lousy. So maybe until I found that moment, I am never going to stop looking back at the ADSS days.

Indeed. I did feel different today. Armed with the best dress sense i have shown thus far in this school plus new shoes, i did feel much better. I walked with a slight bounce and smile. That's good. I really do enjoy the job. But we have really got to spank up the kids man. They really need to know how to behave.

Today, I was true to my word about keeping everyone back if I find the boy not in his seat, in fact, I told them it's ANYONE. Anyone not in their seat will mean cleaning the school for the WHOLE class. I can see that the class does not like it. Yet at the same time, I have made myself very clear. If they allow it to happen, they have to bear the consequences. I was not the one at fault. I set the rules yes but some people break it and therefore everyone needs to pay because they did not correct these people fast enough. Simple as that.

Ja made a good point: It wasn't thus previously. But I really can't help it. It is very irritating to see students who misbehave and think they have every right to do so. They are at an age where they need to be taught a lesson otherwise they will just go down the drain. Screaming vulgarities at teachers is not something to be allowed to happen. Neither should it be tolerated. So whatever it is, they have to learn. Too bad that it has to be done in such a way.

Dear Audrey,
Here is your single's love horoscope
for Monday, August 6:

Reexamine any obstacles to a happy, healthy love life now. Have you forgiven those exes, processed and moved forward? Are you centered, happy with your own sweet self and really ready for love? Sort it out!

---

have I forgiven my exes? hahahaha.. I didn't have that many to begin with. Not one to hold grudges but I must say that he did put some false assumptions I have of myself in my head. But that's been cleared up so that's ok. We are friends still.. don't talk often but yes.. I believe that when a relationship, any relationship, friendship, BRG, etc, breaks up, both parties are in the wrong. Maybe I might have forgiven the other party but have I forgiven myself that's probably another issue no?

As for being happy with myself. I can't rightly say for now. Maybe I am, Maybe I'm Not.. It's a real strange question to ask myself. But I will try to figure it out. before the week ends.

OK. This has got to be a MIRACLE! I can fit into a size 8. For shoes. If I can fit into a size 8 for clothing, I will give all of you a treat. Realistically speaking, I think the most i can shrink to is a size 12. Any lesser, i might be terminally ill or something.

Back to my orgasmic shoe shopping experience. i bought 2 pairs of shoes. These are probably the MOST expensive shoes i have ever bought - $185 for 2 pairs. But this is during sale. Let me show you the shoes!!

I'm tired of complaining about work. Honestly. Because having such bad mental connection to something i have to do every single day isn't helping me. Physically and mentally. I can't put myself into my job, everything that comes out of my mouth is actually empty. I'm just teaching a lesson, I'm not interacting with my kids, i'm not engaging them. Hell. I don't even engage myself anymore and that's bad honestly. I'm on auto-pilot. There isn't any personal touch. I don't like functioning this way. That's not why I went into teaching. So there are now 2 options.

1. Survive the next 3 months and start afresh next year.
2. Change and try to engage my students more.

Honestly, option 1 is more doable. And achievable. Option 2 is going to be tough because I don't have high hopes for my students. I can change. But would they change? Teaching is a two-way process - Me in-charge of teaching. Students are in-charge of the learning. They have to learn to own their learning. We can't be chasing after them for classwork, homework, to remember to behave appropriately during school time. There is only that much that we can do as teachers.

Hopefully this coming week, being a short school week, will give me some time to review my work thus far and think of measures to tackle the students for what remains of the semester. And it's going to be a short one. When I say 3 months, that's really how long I have. According to KK, my training for NCC will take place beginning of Nov. So we'll see.

YIPPEE!!! it's the end of the week!!! YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY!!! This weekend is finally free of all rehearsals and whatnots to do with school. I can do my own things! that sounds like a luxury item. I shall go to the gym on both days. Need a workout man. Combat would be good. When the instructor ask me to imagine an opponent, I know exactly who to imagine. And a good bashing I shall give to him man!

Today, the two students who called me name last week were made to apologise to me in front of the class. In turn, I made them apologise to the class for being a disturbance. The OM also told the class the consequences of calling teachers names. If we feel victimised enough, we could report to the OM and they would be caned. I also lectured my kids on taking ownership of their own learning and that includes putting a stop to nonsense being dished out by the few culprits. Everytime they laughed at a silly antics or joke, they are helping them do it more. They are basically accomplice of a crime. Told them if we stop giving these people the attention they seek, they would stop eventually. Because a one-man show with no audience gets very stupid after a while.

---

I pampered myself yesterday. I bought myself 2 pairs of shoes and went for a mani-pedi. I feel better. Not totally good yet, but definitely better. Maybe in the coming weeks, it will be better.

I have finished the graphic organiser that I shall get my students to use for their writing tomorrow. They are really bad at putting in content. I have realised that with each passing year, students seem to have lesser and lesser imagination. I blame it on too much visual stimulations. They don't need to imagine what a dragon looks like because television will show them what a dragon looks like. You ask them to imagine what a dragon looks like, they would probably ask you to go watch Harry Potter or something instead of trying to paint you a picture using words of how a dragon in their minds look like. So when you ask them to put in a light-hearted (by the way, most of them don't even know what that means) event in their letter, they cannot think of any except touching/kicking each other's balls, or zips left undone. Really no originality.

I really have to sleep soon. I woke up with the reminder that there are tons of things i need to do. I shall make a list. When I make list, it's a sure sign that everything is NOT right.

1. Come up with the instructions and contents of various stations for English Week Amazing Race.
2. Email English teachers the instructions of selecting at least 2 teams of 4 members each from each class.
3. Finish marking Literature worksheet on poetry. (halfway through 2E4 and haven't started on 2N1)
4. Rubrics and profile worksheet for the drama part of the Lit module.
5. Tidy up my table.
6. Set Common Test Paper for CT 5 (Situational Writing). Sec 1 NA and 2 NT.
7. Tidy up my room.
8. Go to the gym.
9. Make reservations for Sept Holiday.
   

Was telling Dee and KK that my brains have this ability to forget what has happened in school. Maybe it's just me being miserable. Or maybe age is catching up with me. Whatever it is, it is not a good feeling.

I really do love fiddling with HTML. the satisfaction comes when it goes the way you want it to be and learn something new along the way. The "colourful pills" are probably a good representation of how i feel right now - bright and cheery on the outside but we all know that pills, being pills, no matter how colourful and pretty they are, will be bitter when you put it in your mouth. Probably I need a new perspective. Perhaps I'm going about it all wrong. Maybe if I cared more, I might get a better response. *shrug* Like I said, I don't care anymore.

Tomorrow will be another day. And me, Dee and KK have decided that the only way we are going to have a holiday in September is to check ourselves into a hotel and pretend to be tourist. KK is going to be a hongkie, Dee wants to be a mat rocker and i have decided to be a jap girl with the latest street wear. We might even throw in a duck tour. This way, if crap happens, we can be reached immediately, no need to go through the various hierachical levels to get approval for our holiday and FREE internet access where we can do our work if we so choose to spend it that way. It's pathetic and loserish but then again, it's for personal preservation.

I can't believe I can't avoid talking about work even when i'm in this virtual sanctuary. sianz.

I was just telling, no wait, ranting to Si-mi about my students. They can sense my unhappiness and angst. Honestly, in my previous teaching stint, I have NEVER complain about the students. Not even during TP. Is it because it was at the beginning of the year when I started and therefore (1) the students have not shown their real horns yet or (2) there was more control and higher self-confidence. I know I am a good teacher. My ex-students tell me so. But these people doesn't bring out my best side. I don't care about them anymore. When I don't care about my students, they are gone cases, lost to me even. They do not know what they are losing.

I told Si-mi and Di that I don't even put on make-up, no fancy heels and all that. They are not worth the effort. Di keeps telling me it's for myself, not for the kids. But I really cannot convince myself that I should do it. This week, I wanted to like change the way I dress and put on some make-up but.. I would just leave it there. Really. Maybe next year would be a better year.

I have lost my personality. And putting on an act is getting more and more tiring each day. I hated myself for crying in class the first week. I hate myself for losing control. I hate myself for not caring. But for my own sanity, maybe I had to do all that.

This is my second blogger blog that I have created in the past week. Using blogger reminds me how much i like to fiddle with HTML. So yes. Another blog. I'm getting a little tired of Multiply anyway. Here's where I would really pen down private thoughts about... ANYTHING i guess. So if you choose to judge, get out of my face. I don't need to be labelled anything. thanks.

This is actually for Geraldine. Since she has a blog and i don't want to link my school's blog to her, so i have to create a new blog. there. I have successfully taichi-ed my way through. But then. there isn't anything wrong with creating a new blog.

So for the first post. I shall use it to tell everyone that I AM SICK! Physically and mentally. I can't brace myself to move past my personally selfishness and think about the people under my charge. I don't care because they don't care. Honestly, if someone were to come along and doesn't mind paying for my bond, i would leave. IMMEDIATELY. Because there is no guilt in not going and fulfilling what I'm supposed to accomplish. Because the other party has decided that they don't need me. So yes. Thinking of them makes me physically sick. Makes me mentally sick. They sickened me. EVERYONE ok. EVERYONE. I'm in this "I hate the world" mood. The world doesn't owe me anything. But I still hate it.