For the first time in my 26 years of existance, i actually considered ending my life. As i was telling Nizam, I felt totally worthless and useless. The notion was really strong. When I entered the house, I was thinking i have alcohol and dubious amount of various medications. Luckily, Q was online and we chatted and then we decided to have a middle of the night rendezvous which really helped. But as I was chatting, I was also penning an email to Al.
Here's the story I wrote in the email:
The Fisherman and the Fish
The Fisherman was about to call it a day when his fishing pole signal the fall of another victim. With great effort he managed to rein the fish in. It was a big and pretty fish. Seeing as how the fish is such a beautiful fish, the fisherman actually hesitated and thought of putting it back into the sea. But the size of the fish would mean that he could sell it for quite a hefty sum. He debated a long time with himself and then with his crew. While all the arguments are put forth, both for and against the release of the fish, the fish is slowly dying. As she looked at the scene in front of her unfolding, she couldn't help but hope they would make a decision soon. If she had to suffer, she would rather just end it quick once and for all. But the humans seemed content to argue it longer. If they were waiting for her to die so that they don't have to make the tough decision of whether to keep or not to keep, she would rather have them take a hammer to her head right there and then and end it.
The fisherman finally decided that he would release her back into the sea. So they hauled the fish to the edge of the ship and let it slip off into the sea again. What they didn't notice was that the hook was still attached to the fish. After a while, the fisherman realised that the fishing pole was again signalling another catch. After checking, he saw that it was the same fish again. Again, he was debating whether he should keep it or not. It will seem like it's god's will that he should have the fish.
The fish just couldn't believe this is happening again. the tugging and pulling had caused many injuries that were not noticeable to the naked eye. So many times she has been put through this. So many times she wished she had the ability to voice out her wishes that the fishermen either let her live or cut off the line and let her go back to the sea.
The rest of the email deal with me asking him to cut the line, say the magic words ( "I don't love you") even if he doesn't mean it, just don't ever tell me. Just cut and let me go. Don't be in a state of indecision, pulling close yet pushing at the same time. It was an emotional night last night. really.
