I was just telling, no wait, ranting to Si-mi about my students. They can sense my unhappiness and angst. Honestly, in my previous teaching stint, I have NEVER complain about the students. Not even during TP. Is it because it was at the beginning of the year when I started and therefore (1) the students have not shown their real horns yet or (2) there was more control and higher self-confidence. I know I am a good teacher. My ex-students tell me so. But these people doesn't bring out my best side. I don't care about them anymore. When I don't care about my students, they are gone cases, lost to me even. They do not know what they are losing.

I told Si-mi and Di that I don't even put on make-up, no fancy heels and all that. They are not worth the effort. Di keeps telling me it's for myself, not for the kids. But I really cannot convince myself that I should do it. This week, I wanted to like change the way I dress and put on some make-up but.. I would just leave it there. Really. Maybe next year would be a better year.

I have lost my personality. And putting on an act is getting more and more tiring each day. I hated myself for crying in class the first week. I hate myself for losing control. I hate myself for not caring. But for my own sanity, maybe I had to do all that.