I think i have carried this for long enough. It's time to let go. Like i said i would and learn to be a happier person. It's for the best. Whose best i'm not too sure. But I'm sure both parties will benefit. I can hear my own tone. I can hear yours too. It's good. Let's keep it as such. We are friends. Just keep it there and never let it become ambiguous again. The ambiguity caused more hurt than anything else in this relationship/arrangement or whatever we wanna call it.

Maybe through it all i have learnt to be more numb towards everything.. I have also start to think that i'm not worthy. But why should i have those thoughts? I loved. I truly loved. I have the ability to love one who's flawed and not mind the flaws. Yet at the same time i have been scorned, my love has been scorned. It is not good enough. Or in your way of thinking, too good.

I have to leave. Emotionally. You have left. Physically. We have both left the emotional battle field. I believe we both have our share of wounds. Maybe it's good to leave before anyone or both of us gets killed in this battle. A lot of words left unspoken between the two of us. Yet I feel this silence cannot and should not be broken. Otherwise, it will break my resolve to put it all down.. to walk away..

I shall do what Dumbledore did.. Look into my memories and pull those of you out and put in in a pansieve. And there it will stay.. Lock the pansieve up somewhere where unlocking means death. Maybe like that island that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named had put a part of his soul at. It is like leaving a bit of my soul somewhere. Hoping that this will save the whole. But it will also means always missing a piece of the whole.

i have lost interest in writing.

Niz questioned my career choice.. i have to admit i'm beginning to think that i have. but well.. i have to stick it out.. and unless sometime in the next 3-5 years, i actually settle down, get married and start having children and fulfil my ambition of being a housewife (who doesn't do the cleaning), i think i will just continue teaching... we'll see...

My emotional side recently has not been the best. the sunday before school reopened, i actually went back to church. good choice. I went back again today. and the sermon was on emotional healing. gee. i love the subtle messages. :) but it was good.

there are really a lot of things i need to let go of. I have lost so much of myself this past months..some thorns really need to be removed from my life and my heart... And move on. got to do that soon...

i'm semi-deaf.

I realised that i started so many things that I'm unable to follow up on. It's actually quite bad no? sigh.. i just hope i will be more organised next year.. Not much hope because i don't have an organised DNA.. But at least i must re-think all my ideas and plans.. then maybe things will be much better...

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Of course I will be much happier than you. I have love and the ability to love. While you let all the bitterness shield you from love, from me wanting to love you just as you are and hoping that you will be happy. Since you choose bitterness over Love, i would just have to figure out what's best for me. yes. don't worry. i'm really not like the other girls in your life. They take you too seriously. that's their fault, they do not know you, they pretend to know you just because as you put it, they exchange body fluids with you. But what they don't realise is that the more physical a relationship you have with them, they are worth less in your mind. So i'm glad i don't fall into that category. It is true, the girls in your life are plain silly. even I have to admit I am too to a certain extent. But at least i know when to cut the line. Yes it's not immediate, the hurt is there, but at least i don't have to go on putting up with the same thing. or let it affect me that much anymore.

The guard is up.

Again.

But I will learn to love again, no bars hold.

One day.

Soon.

The Five of Chalices card suggests that my power today lies in a crossroads. I am not alone. I intend to let go of despair or nostalgia and I choose to make peace with loss or express mourning in order to move forward. I release the rut of regret and the fear of tomorrow to make way for forgiveness, pleasure, beauty, and hope. I am empowered by my conscience and my gift is forgiveness.

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This is just too coincidental with what i am going through now that i have to put it up. it's amazing honestly. the whole idea of renewal and having to get rid of the pain, sadness, loss to welcome more worthy emotions like joy, peace and love. it is important really.

it is true. What my friends have been telling me, that he's poison and not good for me. I finally realise it tonight. He is bitter, he has been hurt, he's doing things to people, innocent people, manipulating them, using the means he know to get them. I might be painting a very bad picture but well.. a lot of things are put into perspective. At the end of the conversation, my conclusion is: I will be happier than him. That's really all that matters. I will find good in everything i do, everything i do, i hope to do some good. And i will be happy. without him. Just like what i wrote in the email. He can be a friend, but nothing more. If he does get married someday, I will be happy for him. Because I believe he has finally reconcile with himself. Maybe it will be a while more before i let him go but i have to. If he loves not me, at least he loves, then that will be good enough. for me. as a friend.

For the first time in my life, I actually wanted resolution. Maybe because i have decided that it has gone on long enough. We had one last conversation before everything flowed away. It was a frustrating conversation of which i will not repeat here because it has lost its meaning. And from there, we didn't talk again. After many days of wondering, last night, I saw him on MSN. And he informed me that he's not in Singapore. So he has started his travelling around thing. Without a word. Thanks. I feel damn bloody loserish. But it's ok. I cried my last tear last night. I will not cry for him ever again. That's a promise to myself. So there.. Like G said, one day, some day, someone will WANT to change himself for me, will love me enough to make that change. So I shall hold on to that. One day, some day.

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So focus is on getting on with my life and my job. I won't call it a career.. it's not. Not when the feeling i get day to day is "i survived yet another day". 4 weeks and 3 days more. You know it's bad when you are counting down.

1st - 3rd Sept: Camp @ CCAC
4th - 6th Sept: Bangkok, Grand Sukhumvit by Sofitel
6th Sept - 8th Sept: Copthorne King's

That was where I was the entire week. It was one event after another and I thoroughly enjoyed the whole getting onto a plane and fly out to somewhere kind of feeling. It was really relaxing and not having to deal with my own mess really helped. My hotel room in Bangkok was SO SO SO good!!! Thanks Ash! I really felt like a princess. The format of the room in BKK is perfect for a single living on her own... If i have an apartment like that, I would be the happiest person on earth! It was rather sad that me and Ash didn't get to spend some time together. Otherwise it would have been great! :)

Coming back to Singapore and being with friends was also good. Experiencing what the executive club is all about really tells me that I want to be able to have such a lifestyle. This time round, BKK and Copthorne's Executive club really set a new benchmark to what Living should be like. Lovely.