I Screamed So Quietly That My Throat Hurts...

That silent cry, soundless yet so piercing.. Every scream was like a knife, cutting my heart into pieces...

What I can't understand is WHY.

Why to this day, it still affects me?

Of course I know why.

But do I have to acknowledge it?

Can I not acknowledge it?

I tried. I have not been thinking about it, about him.

But he loiters.. Like a ghost who won't go away.

Not because there is something he wants..

But because he doesn't know what he wants.

Because I do not know what I want.

Silent Screams...

The new voice of terror and heartbreak.

漸漸的。。。忘了曾經為何為他動心，為他流淚。。。為他心疼，心痛。
是我看清一切了，還是我對感情看輕了？
愛了，付出了又怎樣？
在我的感情世界里，我所認得的，只有失落，失敗。
心中的血，似乎越來越冷。。。
心也越來越累。。。
每一聲心跳，似乎在告訴我，提醒我別再傷害自己。
再多一次，那可能就是我的及限。。。
再多一次。。。

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Gradually.. I have forgotten why I fell, why I cried, why my heart broke and pained.
Is it because I have clear sight now, or have I just lost faith in love?
After loving and giving to someone, what good does it do?
In my world, love has only taught me disappointment and failure.
The blood in my heart, turning colder...
My heart is tire out...
Every heartbeat, seems to be telling me not to hurt myself again...
One more time and I would have reached my limits...
One more time...

I feel very accomplished and SUPER organised this year.. at least when it comes to work. My room is in a mess and in a deplorable state yet again. BUT work wise, it's a total face-lift. I still have a messy table and workspace which Missy Tan would always talk about. But I know what i'm going to do for each class and I have the materials for it. Gosh. I even have time to prepare and send it for printing instead of having to do it myself.. Yesterday, other than the focus group, most of my day out was spent on work.. be it marking or admin or creating resources and planning, i did quite a bit.. Let's see what I have done...

• created a marks sheet for the classes I teach for the assignments and tests
• finished marking 3T1 papers
• created word search puzzles (letters A to E)
• Planned my work till week 6 (what's required anyway)
• created resources that i will need for the coming week

It might not seem a lot but trust me, for the first time, I really feel i have proper footing and i'm not running in and out getting stuff out. It's a great feeling. I believe it's the lack of distraction. I feel like i don't have much of a social life anymore. I don't meet up with people, I don't go out much (ok not having spare cash helps), I even eat salads for breakfast. gee.. I don't talk much on MSN.. I think I'm lucky. Considering my present rank in the ladder, I am not given 10000 extra duties YET. So we'll see. I just need to keep this up honestly. One slip and we go a-tumbling. And then I would feel outrageously crappy.

MacBook Air!!!!! I swear, if I strike lottery and has $3k, I would buy this sleek baby! gosh.. I can't get get a picture so i have to post the link... Please, God! Let me have enough money to buy this baby. I believe I'm meant to own this machine since I forgo buying the Macbook. So yes, there MUST be a way. My heart beats for the day when I own it. Sometimes you just need things like this to make your day!!!

I had a dream last week. Bitter sweet perhaps.. maybe it's like what I wanted materialising into my dream. It's like "a dream come true." ha! corny! In the dream, I met A. And we had a good time... we even made out. Everything seems perfect. Then I was having dinner with him and two female companions. I don't know what got into my female companions.. they decide to tell him all the heartaches that i have gone through. As he listened, I teared, thinking "why can't I just finish dinner?" He came over and put arms ard me and said "I never knew." After that, maybe it's another place.. I remembered there was rain and I was trying to get a cab or something.. Somehow, somewhat.. he appeared with his family and introduced me to them. There was the disinterested father.. mother was ok.. i don't really remember he mentioned a sister but there was a sister kind of figure there.. so i don't know...

Now the funny part is the reaction of Ais and Vic. I told them about the dream. I must admit, I was happy. Maybe I needed to be reminded of the possibility. Or maybe not. Ais' reaction was "It's kinda sad." I brought up whether I should email him and tell him the truth, about the tears and such... She said "Or you can give us his number and we'll tell him the truth like in the dream." I told Vic the dream and Ais' reaction, she said "yeah... maybe you should give me his number too then we can become the two female companions..." I was vaguely amused. Yet at the same time, I don't really know what to feel either. So there.. we'll see perhaps...

New Year's Eve
I had a blast at Movida, as usual. Great company, great band with members that satisfy both my heterosexual fantasies and my sometimes lesbian possibilities. :p Great company, what can one ask for right? Ok. There is something I would like.. I would LOVE for one of the two band members that I simply adore to be mine oh mine! heehee :p My new year's wish, (note: wish, not resolution) is to have sexy boyfriend. Let's see if it's easier than my last year's wish which is to get an ang moh bf... hahahahaha!

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2008 thus far
2008 started on a good note. At least for work. I have 4 classes, 3 English and 1 Literature class. I am more organised, more confident, more sure this year. I hope I can keep up with being organised and on the ball.. otherwise I will slide into how I was like last year. And I don't want that. My Literature class's a blast. I really like this class. They are lively but manageable. I am very proud and impressed with some of the work that has been posted up on the class Literature blog. I have reached the conclusion that blogs can only work when you have a real organised system, from students' login to having the correct tags for each of the assignment given so it's easier to track who didn't finish their work.

The other thing I have learnt is that I'm in teaching not to become the most popular teacher. It is to make sure that my students learn, academically and character development. I would admit I'm a little harsh on my form class, but thus far, I must say my class is probably the most organised one. They have been sitting accordingly to their register numbers since the second day, the first class to settle down after recess, the class that's least scolded by other teachers (since I scold them enough) but my point is they do know when to behave. I do not have problems with their uniform (the tucking in and such) I told them being properly attired is showing respect to both the people in school and the school itself. It's quite funny to have Mich ask me about how she should get her students to tuck in their shirts because she could see that they are getting irritated with it. I told her there is no stepping down. If it's something you stand for and you want it to be done all the time, you don't let them get away with it even if they roll their eyeballs out. And that's the other thing I have learnt - there are things we should have zero tolerance for: defiance, being rude to teachers, not obeying rules that have been set, not paying attention, not doing their part to ensure that there is a good learning environment.. etc etc... So yes. There are things I cannot have. Not that there isn't room for negotiation.. BUT only when they show they can handle the responsibility when the rules go away.

So ok la.. thus far.. been rather happy... But I have fallen sick... so might take ML tomorrow... sick.. bah.. oh well..