11:43 PM
Sunday, February 24, 2008
11:27 PM
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Happy New Year everyone!
This is however going to be a depressing post.
Be warned.
Ais is right when she says that i pretty much cry only for A. It would be so simple to ignore him. But NO. I have to say hi and show some care and concern. It's crap. I'm a darn hypocrite. I tell people not to do this but i still do. Sigh.. I need shock therapy. Like him telling me that he's married or has a girlfriend and wedding is in the pipelines. Then maybe it will be easier to just cry once and be over and done with. And it will be easier to hate him and not care about him. But no.. I still don't have the bloody strength to walk away and be non-chalent. Shit. I don't know whether i hate it or not. Because on the one hand it shows that I can still care about someone. On the other hand, it's costing me buckets of tears every time. Really don't know... crapshit...
Argh. Tired... Think the only reason i go to Q time and again is because he makes the effort perhaps.. It's just so difficult to meet up with T.B. or anyone else. i'm not in the mood for meeting new people.
12:08 AM
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
"Regrets for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is the things we did not do that is inconsolable" Sydney J. Harris
A has this as his subnick on MSN. My question to him was "but don't we make a conscious choice NOT to do something too?" Because of our past experiences, we do have the tendency to NOT do something when the opportunity arises and so on. Like we make a conscious effort not to love because we have been hurt before... Or we make the conscious effort not to talk to someone because we know he/she will piss us off.
Subconsciously, whether we know it or not, we have already made the decision what to do the next time round. One very good test would be to get someone to help you decide between 2 choices. More often than not, we have already made up our minds. We just want the affirmation. Like if your friend choose something that's not the same as what you have in mind, you will most likely react in one of the following ways: "Why?" "Really meh?" "What's so bad about the other one?" When you react this way after your friend has given you the input, it is a signal that YOU HAVE ALREADY MADE THE CHOICE.
Back to my original reason for posting. My stand is this: We have chosen to do the things that we did not OR would not do. But does this qualify under the first half of the quotation? Because we have done something (the decision to NOT do something) is an action on its own, so can the regret of this refusal to do something be tempered by time? Because if that is so, then the second part of the quotation means nothing. Because the very nature of not doing something comes from MAKING the decision NOT to do it. Making the decision is doing something. So how?
But it hits me. Why say such things now? it makes me wonder what is the thing that he did not do and he's regretting not doing it? Really. It shouldn't matter.
Someone called with an unknown number today. Of course, my first thought is Q. But it's not him. And it's not the banks as well because i believe i have paid my bills. It got me to thinking whether it's him. I know it's sick. But I don't know.. whether I wish that it's him or that it's not. I'm an idiot.
Today. I cried. After we did it. I have no idea why. I sensed tenderness yet at the same time, it's not his or my position to give that tenderness. I teared. I can't let him know. But I believe he sensed it too. Because he did ask me what is wrong since i went incredibly quiet. I have to hide the fact that i cried. I don't know whether it's the intimacy or the fact that I suspect he was going to stroke my hair but pull away at the last minute. Or maybe I was just being silly thinking that I will never get this on a permanent basis, i.e. have someone who will hold on to me tight, in times of good and bad. We want to stay a little longer but reality has a way of finding itself into our little cocoon. Not that it's a clever move to actually think that it can be anything else, nor am I falling for him. No. This game has very clear rules and I know not to and will not break them. So I really don't know why I cried. Ais' first question after the initial WHY, was "have you had contact with A?" She seems to think that only A has the ability to make me cry. Not that it isn't true but I can't really draw it back to A. So maybe it's just me? Oh I don't know.
11:59 PM
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Yes. I did not do my marking like i planned to. instead, i spend sat shopping and getting my nails done and sunday, shopping and hair done. gee...TOTALLY unproductive... workwise... but i think psyche-wise, at a much better place... so honestly i don't really care since it's a 2-day week this week. so yay!!
