Went out with J last evening. All I could say was sigh... it was fun in a warped sense of the word. And of course new experience. Never had to stake out lying boyfriends before so yesterday was our first experience. Patience is definitely needed. She wanted me to stay the night at her apartment... but I'm very hesistant because well, I don't like to stay over at people's place. My mum taught us well plus i was very grimy, so i came back home at ard 2am.

As I was walking out of her beautiful apartment, (I really liked the place) I was thinking to myself, I don't mind living like her (who would?!) but I don't want the "afraid to be lonely" part. I want to have companion(s) because well, it's nice. But I don't want it to become too emotional. Of course, the line must be drawn nicely. Like I won't mind someone like Q who could keep me company once in a while, then maybe someone else would fill in the gaps. It's all very open, just as long as I don't get any disease from them. That's if I'm single. If I do get married, and if my hubby is not always away, then I would still like companions but those are strictly no-strings attached. Actually all of them would be no-strings attached. If I'm married, the only string would be to my hubby, that's it. But I do believe that sometimes there is a need to let off steam somewhere. Doesn't always have to be physical but a person to go to when you need to talk about things. Of course, the ideal is to be able to talk to my hubby about everything right? oh well...

General Prayer: Please God, give me the grace to overcome the obstacles in front of me. I know I've been errant in my ways but please give me the anchor of mind to make sure that I accomplish what I have to do. Amen.

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Went to Pulau Ubin with Jaz and her class this morning. We talked quite a bit, work and personal life. I think maybe I have found someone who truly shares my outlook on life. It's great. And yes, being different, wanting to do things differently will definitely be an uphill task. But it's come to a point whereby I ask whether I want to do things differently. Because there's nothing much in this job that I look forward to. Although I must add talking to Jaz does revive something inside.. like there are still worthwhile things to do in this job. And I found out that they didn't tell her that I'm not confirmed. She told me that I should have defended myself. But whether it's my own (mis)preconception that they had wanted to fail me or that I was just too weak to protest, I don't know. These days, I just want to do enough to get by.

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I can only count on the notion that there's always a spot of light in the darkest moments.

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I do not like the unsettled feeling in my stomach. But it was only for a while. Maybe it's fake optimism, but my point has always been.. there's always a solution to every problem. But whether there are people who are willing to offer that solution still remains to be seen.

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Talking about A today with Jaz brought back memories. It's true. I only want to remember the good times. I'm not blinded by love. I'm blinded by trust most of the time. The times when I felt betrayed are also times I trusted too much. And I blamed myself. Honestly. But still. He still can make my heart glad.. If we can have a normal conversation without him being dismissive about things.

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and yes.. Life goes on. Smile. It makes a difference. Smile during the happy times and BAD times!!!